(A SPECIAL LOVE NOTE FOR MY LONG-STANDING IG FRIENDS)
I know somewhere I’ve written about this before… but it’s a theme in my life that keeps cropping up. I like to dive into repetitive themes, because they beckon for my attention.
IT FEELS SO WEIRD TO SHARE MY JOYS.
It has been so much easier to share my struggles. It has EVEN been easier to share my “little joys” & say, “but it is not always so”, than to share, “HOLY SHIT! JOY IS NOW THE CONSTANT OF MY LIFE!”
At some point, it may have been because it seemed too good to be true… you know, superstition and all… but lately it feels more like:
- A piece of “myself” I am attached to (ego attachment saying, “this defines me”…)
- My own judgement/belief that SURELY people who seemed happy all the time were selling something… because *I* had never seen a glimpse of that in my own life… so am I “tricking” myself???
I answer myself, “NO”, I am not pulling the wool over my own eyes. For one, I NEVER have been an under-the-rug-pusher. Not since I could speak, and certainly not now.
I know there are still nooks & crannies to rifle through (my dreams prove that much). I know there is still healing to be done. Thus is the life of “The Wounded Healer” archetype, no?
BUT overall, joy fills my blood cells & I am increasingly optimistic about my future… something I never ever REALLY realized (or dared to dream) I could have… not on the DEEPEST levels, anyway.
On the first part of this equation, my struggles defined me for SO LONG, it’s hard to shift into what has happened now: my joys & successes are defining me. And I suppose on one level, that is still ego attachment to “what I am” rather than truly “what I AM”, but still… to taste this bliss while I am still embodied in this corporeal body sack, is MIND BLOWING, from where I began my journey.
I am really inhabiting this space now.
And this isn’t the FIRST time this has happened… as you are well aware, we spiral… & once again I am the quintessential Fool, stepping out onto a ledge, not knowing precisely where my foot will land…
It was the same when I gave up my Pentax K1000 for a digital model, to help save the environment from all of the toxic chemicals of my darkroom, & became disenchanted with (up until that point) my life’s biggest passion. I could no longer find the darkness & depth in my photos that the flickering red light of my small, enclosed hide-y-hole provided… & my photos felt devoid of the real-ness & meaning that they once carried, that *I* once carried, almost like the 10 Wands on my back.
It happened again when, after about 2 years of prolific artistic work using acrylics & building furniture had shifted. All of my work expressed my pain & suffering… the unraveling of my intense PTSD & bipolar 1, laid out before me in gloppy paint lines. I actually made money doing this work, but then, I began to heal, & I had NO IDEA how to shift into the new paradigm. I could paint pretty flowers & nice “Namaste” signs… but it felt so estranged from my habitual forms of self-expression, I felt detached from this love as well.
This brings me to my main point:
I FOUND INSTAGRAM, which was a great outlet as I love to write & to journal & I could combine it with my lingering nostalgia for photography. I cultivated friendships , which has perhaps provided me with more happiness & a sense of camaraderie than I have often found elsewhere in the world. (I even met my soon to be husband on this platform…)
I was able to express myself freely, authentically, & easily, knowing that I was received in all my forms of self-identification. I could cry & laugh & share nonsense. And there were people here JUST LIKE ME.
People who are into the same things, have similar birth placements &/or personality types. People who could teach me, outside of a book. People who really GET ME. You know, kind-hearted, loving humans.
I want to really thank ALL of y’all for bearing witness to my journey!!! It has meant so much to me!!
While I am in this new phase of my life, it is of the utmost importance to me that I still retain my authenticity & my truth. (Both of which are at the tippy-top of my values ladder!)
But how that looks for me has shifted. Again there is this struggle which is like, “how do I express this JOY, when I see so many false masks of joy (from my perspectacles)?” (Which really was an answer to my first question which was, “WHY do I somehow feel fraudulent to express the happiness that has become the predominant feeling residing over my life?”)
I just am newly focused. There are still struggles with my own doubts, & feelings of self-worth from time to time. There are still relationship hiccups that are sometimes painful to experience & to move through. There are still days that are not COMPLETELY void of the depression that once consumed my life…
BUT I can now VISIBLY & INTRINSICALLY see & feel them shifting. I see the positive paradigm of my life & life’s purpose unfolding into fruition.
…& weirdly… it is a particularly difficult time for me to share all of this so vulnerably, because it is so new, & I am still putting that foot out onto a ledge I have never stepped over before.
I think it is also partially that is almost hard for ME to believe just how swiftly my life has shifted, once I decided to take some “insane” (but calculated) “risks” to reshape my life…
AND I’m glad I took them, no matter what anyone around me said, because RESHAPE MY LIFE THEY HAVE!!!
My assumption is that from the outside it must seem just as unfathomable, BUT I put into RADICAL ACTION that which I believe to be true in my heart & that leap of faith has helped me to reap the rewards!
With all that being said, to my IG fam who have stood with me through thick & thin… THANK YOU!!! Y’all are part of how I have survived & how I have GROWN!!!
I would NOT be here without you!!!
And thank y’all for sticking around to witness my spiral of rising & falling & getting back up again!!
I am always around for y’all if there is ever a need, & please know that I hold you all near & dear to my heart forever!!!
AND! Last but certainly not least, thank you to all of my new IG family members, THANK YOU for being here! I am SO EXCITED to be on this journey with you!!!
Yours in Oneness🧡Freedom