The Subjectivity of Healing

We live in a world where the subject of “health” and “healing” can be super hot button topics… and I’m here today to add a little fuel to the fire!

While there are some seemingly indisputable things about health like: “too much of anything is a bad thing”… or like how eating a ton of McDonalds burgers will likely give you high cholesterol, many times we miss an even bigger picture of HOW we heal.

…it’s not as cut and dried as we might think…

In 2008 I was diagnosed disabled and although I worked extensively with doctors and modern day medicine, nothing really worked for my mental health illness. I needed healing. AND during that time it started to become a deep dive into austere spiritual practices.

Over the course of the next decade and then some, I stayed completely sober, ate a vegan diet (often raw vegan and mostly without oils, etc), meditated a couple of hours daily (for YEARS), studied alternative healing modalities and vibrational medicine relentlessly, spent almost every Saturday in silence, meditating, fasting, and off of media (and sometimes did this for multiple days at a time just because), and even would live in the middle of nowhere without modern day conveniences such as electricity and running water JUST to get back to my Self, to God, and to my HEALTH.

There were times when I would preach that this type of austerity was how to heal, but it was often in conflict with one of my core beliefs which is that our path back to ourselves, our connection with God, and with our health is as unique as each of us are! And that what is best for us is more dependent on what we came here to learn, what is our individual, authentic expression, and what the timing of our life shows us we need right NOW.

This hypocrisy within finally came to a head recently as it was time to get real with myself, look at this internal conflict for what it was and how it reared its head in my life and growth, and how to get even more authentically in alignment with my values…

BUT! Because this world teaches us through contrast… I could also see the BLESSING of the healing that austerity brought me!

You see, during that period of my life, the rigidity helped me to heal most of my childhood trauma, my fears and anxiety, and even my severe mental health illness. That was what I needed for that season of my life. But it was extreme.

It makes sense. When you swing a pendulum one way hard, it has no choice but to swing HARD into the opposite direction. But I like to find balance in this life… I like to find the middle path…

I was so sick that I had to be extreme to start to balance out. But holding onto that extreme once the flame began to finally dwindled only burned me more.

I began to question my ideologies on many things. For one, if I really believed that all of the people I worked with were on the right path for them, whatever it looked like, why did I not allow myself the same grace? What good came from my constant judgment of self? And furthermore, if all things are God and I didn’t provide myself with this same love and grace that I give to others, wasn’t my love conditional and incomplete?

Without drugs even, I was flying so high all the time, and often finding it challenging to stay in body… and I came here to be human. I remember my mission. And it doesn’t include being in a monastery (done that in a LOT of lifetimes already) and it doesn’t involve living in total debauchery, but rather, somewhere in the middle zone.

Somewhere in the place that is ALLOWING.

Somewhere in the place that is GRACE.

So recently, I realized I was creating suffering within myself by not eating fish and eggs. So I let go of my vegan title.

I realized I am not an alcoholic, but rather I was living a life of fear because of my trauma, which I have successfully healed. So I let go of my sober title.

I realized I can be understood by people in my life and that I can love and be loved fully and without attachment. So I let go of my “I don’t know how to have healthy relationships” title.

With each passing day I let go more and more of these titles that the ego so loves to obtain and wear with pride.

Every day I am more and more human and it somehow lends me to be more and more connected and more and more FREE!

I am healing my rigidity and my fear that if I don’t eat vegan, drink alcohol, or have a romantic relationship that I will lose myself entirely and drown in my sorrows. Because that’s not where I am at any more. I am a child of GOD, and I do not have to be a slave to my fears.

So right now, I am healing by LETTING GO OF FEAR.

That fear served a purpose and a high one! I am grateful for it as I am grateful for all the lessons on my journey. But this calls for a new way of being and a new paradigm shift. How I heal on this section of the journey looks VERY different than it did before.

Thanks for being here with me on this fun path back to Source and to Self!

If you are ready to let go of fear and shift into a new paradigm, send me a DM and lets get started!

I love you!

Yours in Oneness🧡Freedom

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