Are You a Witch or What?
I love this line from Harry Potter, and it has been the resounding phrase in my head since my inner journey last night and I can’t shake it, and that is okay. I will do my best to get to the point and not get distracted as I type. The feeling of emotional freedom so strong last night has given rise to a wave of fear again. But once we look into our shadows and see, we cannot un-see (especially if our deepest nature wants to see) and I will be dancing in and out of these shadows for a bit of time… and that is okay. And I am very grateful for my insight. One thing of last night was that it was foretold in a dream. I will go into detail of that dream in a later post, but for now, let’s just say as the night unfolded, everything that had any obscurity in the dream became crystal clear. So did something my deceased great-grandmother recently conveyed to me through a friend. She said the people in my life before did not support who I truly was at my core, but that the people I have been bringing into my life lately really did, and to continue to look for these people who uplifted me, as I am very powerful, very nurturing, and have important purpose, and it is important for me to stay in these healthy relationships. She also told me that certain people rejected aspects of me and could not bear to hear my truth. That if I really wanted to maintain those relationships, I would have to essentially hide aspects of myself from them. But that doesn’t feel like Freedom to me. In fact, NOT sharing my personal truth (for myself- not for others I should say. *I want to add here that I believe everyone has their own personal truth and that I would never want to pretend to know what is best or true for anyone else other than myself. If anything I share is helpful to your truth therefore, take it, and if not, please throw it in the garbage. Also, my personal truth often changes, because I am learning and growing, and I allow myself to learn and grow and change… just wanted to throw all that out there!) makes me sick to the core of my being. But last night I found the thing lurking in the shadows to integrate and set me free.
After feeling ill a couple of days straight, I knew I had intense shadow work on the horizon. I knew I needed to be alone or I would find excuses to prolong the work, and continue with the illness until it got bad enough I had to dive in. Personally, I prefer to make shadow work more quick like a bandaid. I don’t mean bypassing the work by hurrying through it, but what I do mean is not wait until it has expressed itself into the worst possible physical condition so that I give it due attention (not that I am always successful at noticing it until that point). I stopped by the local crystal shop because my tools are in OR and I am in Austin, and not that I HAVE to have tools, but I really wanted to give myself the most help possible to be as thorough as possible. (For a list of the tools scroll to the bottom.*) I came to my mom’s and got my set up prepared. I looked for things I needed for my incense, my palo santo, and my candle to use them safely. The best thing I could find for the candle that I was sure was okay to damage was a paper plate. *This may not be the safest thing y’all so don’t leave candles unattended in general.* The paper plate turned out to be awesome because I ended up writing intentions on it, and I loved this and will be using it in future practices. (For what I wrote scroll to the bottom.**) I placed my candle on top, lit all candles except this one in opening ceremony, and walked around in a circle (I like to do 7 times counter clockwise and then 7 times clockwise to begin, but this is just my preference.), and at the end I found myself dancing in circles in joy my mind already deep in the freedom of the truth. I AM A WITCH.
Yup. A witch.
For some people this may seem like no big deal. For some people this may seem like a no brainer. But for me, it was a new revelation pulled deep out of the shadows. Spiritual Catalyst Teal Swan talks about how when we are young we suppress things that are not pleasing to our families and/or society, but that just because these things are in the shadows, does not make them “bad”. We just perceived them as “bad” and conceal them subconsciously for survival purposes & to receive “love”. This DEFINITELY fits that zone. I mean, just look up the definition of “witch” online and it doesn’t seem like a term that many would take kindly to. And if that’s not enough, there’s always just the history of how witches have been treated that would be enough to frighten anyone away from the term. But since I was young I could see ghosts, speak with spirits, and used Ouija (often alone and in private) to speak with spirits sometimes. My dream recall even as an infant has always been more vivid, even than things in “waking life”. I began using Tarot in 8th-9th grade and also seeking to see auras, and was still communicating with spirits, and using Ouija. In high school I grew an herb garden, not for “witch stuff” I told myself, but for herbal remedies, etc, and began using them for healing. But I experienced so much backlash for my views and for speaking them, I just spiraled into a dark place for a long, long time. I still would see ghosts and spirits lurking around and would speak to them. But about 8 years ago something else happened: I remembered speaking to Christ upon entering the womb of my mother.
In my youth, I adored Christ and his teachings, but felt confused by the hypocrisy I witnessed in a fundamentalist upbringing. I became agnostic and then atheist, but never ever a “witch”. When I remembered this discussion however, I remembered that I came with a purpose, that the energy of Christ Consciousness and the man who went by Jesus Christ was also in “cahoots” with my purpose and I began following a different path. Now I am a person who believes all of the Masters and Ascended Masters teach a universal Truth, and I admire them all. I even was a Buddhist monk in at least one past life and another I lived in a Tibetan mountain community and believe I practiced Buddhism there as well. In Spain I was a Catholic, and worshipped Ra in at least one of my past Egyptian lives. But in this lifetime, I resonate most closely with Christ’s teachings, and Christ Consciousness. In fact, the book I read the most often is the Bible. So certainly it is not a far stretch that I hid from the word “witch” for a long time. But my external world reflected the struggle within, and I always felt defensive when anyone, family in particular, condemned (at least through my perspective) my practices. A witch lived in my shadows. And she is a powerful one. And she is also at her very core a very loving, compassionate, and nurturing one.
So here I am last night with this realization I could no longer hide and now must integrate. I AM A WITCH. And I felt the freest I have ever felt in my life. And here is what I wrote: “I am a witch. A witch & I will now learn to love that aspect of me. I was doing a cleansing & it became clear. I would never touch that word before but it is who and what I am. It feels freeing to say it & to know what it means for me. My belief in Christ is not negated. His Love for me is not negated. My Love for him is not negated. My Love for me is not negated. The external things I was witnessing as a purpose of bringing out this “shadow side” or “hidden side” as “negative” has now been neutralized. It has served its purpose. I hid it in the shadows & called it by any other name because I felt condemned by many I love deeply. NOW WATCH HOW I RISE AND SEE WHAT I BUILD FOR MYSELF AND FOR THE UNIVERSE AND WITH THE HELP OF THE CREATOR WHOM I AM COMPLETELY DEVOTED TO- FOR AS ABOVE, SO BELOW, and AS WITHIN, SO WITHOUT. And the Divine in me is the Divine in all things and I allow myself to touch all of me now.”
I then began carving on a candle my intentions, as described in the first card I pulled from the Moon Deck oracle (which I just got and am LOVING). Here is what I carved on the Wisdom candle:
“I embrace that I am a witch. I embrace all of myself. I can find “good” and “bad” in my shadow. They are in truth neither “good” nor “bad”, they just are. I begin with my ministry (this is a word that was given to me by spirit recently as to what I was to set out to do- yes, I have issues with it…lol… yup… working on those issues, too!) and my healing work knowing I am a witch and that it is okay. I release fear of judgment and embrace the Divine in all.”
I put oil on the candle, using my fingers to draw hearts, and then lit it and began a mediation: “I am that, I am.”
After awhile I heard, “You are not bad. You are FREE.”
Awhile later I recognized that I had banished many parts of my soul and also unknowingly left pieces with other people who could not care for those pieces properly (and didn’t even realize they were there probably- I mean, I hadn’t…). SO I went on a soul retrieval mission. I brought back all aspects of soul other than those I had left intentionally and with the knowledge of those who carry those bits. (I did go to visit them also.) I found some pieces in weird places and other dimensions. Then I did an integration ritual between all aspects where we sat in a circle and sometimes switched around so we could see from multiple perspectives and then ended in a light ring where we told each other that we loved and honored each other, accepted all for what and who they were, and we respected them for it. And then I integrated the all into a one wholeness, allowing the light surrounding them in my heart to spread outwards around my body and filling the sacred space I had created.
I wrote after, “By acknowledging the shadow I have neutralized the “threat”. It was perceived as a threat because I was hiding it in the darkness. Now I can say, “Yes, I am a witch. It does not necessarily mean the same thing to me as it does to you, but I am a witch. And as a witch I will help heal myself, and thus the world.”
And here is something I want to note about this “label”. I am not particularly in LOVE with putting myself in a box with a label on it. I am all things. That is my belief. But to NOT acknowledge this “label”, is to deny a part of myself to step into the light and be Love. And I am SUPER uncomfortable with this label. I mean, I don’t consider myself Wiccan or Christian or Hindu or Buddhist. I just love all. But I am definitely a witch who Loves the Word of Christ and who resonates deeply with being one in the body of Christ (Consciousness) and also who resonates deeply with dancing naked under a full moon while cleansing my crystals. So there you have it! This is me!
One of my main purposes I saw in composing this blog in general was to demystify these things that seem scary only because they are hidden in the darkness. I certainly cannot do this if part of my Self remains hidden in darkness. I do not believe my “powers” are unique or even very developed. I believe we can all touch this same fabric of the Universe if we so desire to seek to go deep within, and I believe our intuition grows stronger and stronger the more we REMEMBER LOVE. But this has just been my personal experience. I also want to help those who may feel like me to know they are not alone. So here I am, soul bared, to say, “You are never, ever alone.”
Next I will detail my Tarot reading for those who love Tarot and a bit of astrology stuff and aren’t already super exhausted from reading a really long blog post!
As I began to work on closing down the ceremony, I asked “What message do you want to leave me with?” The King of Cups (Universal Waite), which I read as “I have become a master of understanding (I wrote “my” but then felt called to scratch it out. I heard “NO”.) emotion.”
AND a second card wanted to follow. The 2 of Cups, which I read as “I am ready to use my findings to help heal others. This card also happens to be the card that rules my 6th house- the house of heath & of service. As such, I do not interpret this card for myself ever as 2 lovers, but as how I can help others heal or in this nature of stuff- especially in this deck with the caduceus, and because a Lion is my solar plexus chakra personified and is one of my spirit guides.
At the end of all of this, I called my husband who paused and was like, “Ummmm… so I already thought you KNEW you were a witch. I kind of just ASSUMED that because… well… you know… you are a witch…” WHICH 😉 was pretty funny.
Yours in Oneness <3 Freedom
*Tools from shop:
- Palo Santo for cleansing the area, myself, and crystals.
- A candle, in this case a Reiki charged candle for Wisdom, as it is what I needed most.
- Mystic Insight Oil by Gypsy Goddess (Highly recommend this stuff)
- Crystals- Rose Quartz (which I had seen a few days before was pertinent to my healing), Celestite (an energy that helps me stay calm and peaceful and feel protected when I do this kind of work- brings Angel energy to me with it), and Barite Rose (which called to me when I entered the crystal shop, and I connected with this piece deeply and energetically. My husband later sent me images from my stone book at home of it, and it was easy to see why. It was PERFECT for my intentions.)
- Tea light candles
- A lighter
- Wide Eyed Kombucha for added internal clarity (I wanted to open up the inner eye big and give it any extra help I could! Never done this before, but it was super helpful!)
*Tools I used that I had already:
- Incense from a friend
- Candles at my mom’s
- My Tarot and Oracle Cards
- A can to make an incense burner with
- An old ashtray from Barcelona I had gifted my mom (for the palo santo)
- A paper plate
**I drew a circle in the middle where I wanted the candle. Then I began on the outmost part of the plated, writing in a circle, “Dear Universe, it is my intention tonight to burn away all that no longer serves me: ideas, beliefs, relationships, & principles based in fear. It is my intention to remember love. It is my intention to understand the truth of myself, to go into the dark crevices into the shadows, to embrace all of me, to shed light there, and to integrate what I find. It is my intention to bring only loving and supportive energy into my life by myself and by others from here forward. I intend to understand what that looks like to me. I intend to allow. I intend freedom. I intend Love. I intend healing. I intend harmony. I intend wisdom. I intend wisdom. I intend WISDOM. I AM THAT, I AM.” (In the middle circle where the candle sits.)