From what I can recall, most of the inner world of my youth was dedicated to the pursuit of knowledge, the love and connection of nature, and perhaps mostly, to the pursuit of connecting to God.
The latter was often the catalyst of the former 2, because I was not really shown a way of connecting to God except through scripture.
So before I was 10, I had read the Bible about 3 times, to my memory.
And I think I connected to God mostly through nature because although I would pray, prayer was something we just did almost ritualistically through parts of the day when indicated by food or sleep or trials of the heart. It didn’t seem presented to me in such a way as that my LIFE could be my prayer, my mantra.
I’ve spent the entirety of my life seeking this connection, albeit much of the early years found me seeking God through drugs, alcohol, and sex.
I realize that there have been points later in life where I sought God with some sort of purity and singleness of focus, only feeling truly connected when I was alone in nature.
Lately, I notice that I have been seeking this connection through relationships (platonic or otherwise). It probably started 4 years ago that I really began to seek some sort of God-Consciousness through other people and my connection with them, or at least, this period of time it has been the focus or main method of communion.
Through the use of Shadow Work, or making the unconscious mind conscious, I am able to see this more clearly at the moment.
A deep dive into the repetitive patterns and the mirrors of “the other people” in my life have made clear to me a couple of things:
Firstly is that I don’t trust FULLY.
I haven’t trusted myself with myself. I haven’t trusted other people. I haven’t trusted myself with other people (i.e. the world in general). And most importantly, I haven’t FULLY trusted in God.
And perhaps to really trust in all things, I must first fully trust in God.
The question I’ve been asking myself all day is, “how can I connect to anyone, including God, if I don’t trust?” Alongside, “how can I connect with anyone fully if I cannot open my heart fully?” And, “how can I start to connect more deeply and call forward relationships based in real connection?”
My realization is that I’ve just wanted this God connection. I know I’ve written about this concept before, but here we are again as the great spiral perpetuates a new level of learning and bearing new fruit.
I realize that all of my “problems” can be solved by a singleness of purpose.
You see, by placing my focus on God, I connect not only to God, but to nature and my fellow humans as well. I trust fully. I trust myself fully because I trust my God fully. (BTW, I used the term God, but as always, feel free to insert “Source”, “Universal Consciousness”… whatever your jive is…)
I make manifest the things in my life beyond my mind’s desires because God knows my heart’s desires and whenever I have found those moments of deep intimacy with God, I have found myself overflowing with abundance I could never have conceived of in my wildest of dreams.
So I remind myself on this day of silence, which I have gifted to myself as a reconnection to Self and to Source, that the only thing I need really pursuit is FIRST, the Kingdom of God.
And ALL the other things will be added.
This can be easier said than done, no? It seems reserved for those in a monastery… something I have considered often in my life in all seriousness.
But I realize that I only need two things in order to have conscious contact with God in each moment. One being that it is my primary focus in every single thing I do. And the second one being that I don’t conceive of this idea as being far in the future, or that it must be perpetually sought and yet continuously out of reach. I must realize that this connection is here, available to me in each breathe.
So today my mantra is this: “I am choosing to connect to God above all other pursuits.”
Because I can, with practice, CHOOSE where to focus my intention. I can CHOOSE where to focus my thoughts. Especially when they’re not clouded by the unconscious mind running rampant.
Through the use of Shadow Work and inner knowing, I am able to see where my thoughts have been focused. And because it is truly in alignment with my values and goals of this lifetime, even when it is a challenge or my ego gets in an almost seemingly insurmountable state of fear of letting go of control (because let’s face it, letting God run the show makes the ego feel that it is relinquishing control) I can LET GO.
And really, that’s all that is required to touch God: SURRENDER.
Yours in Oneness🧡Freedom