“We Die So Hard Each Time”

I’ve been wanting to write more lately, but everything feels so deep and simultaneously so transient that letting my thoughts flow externally feels more than stifled. All of these upgrades and the integration of new energies come in flashes more quickly than my fingers can fly across my keyboard. And yet, I keep feeling called to share, so here it goes!

What has been on my mind predominantly is death… I mean I just buried my grandmother this morning, but I am thinking more about the non-physical death… like all the little deaths we have: ego deaths.

My card for “Energy of my Month” was “Death” and the “Obstacle” (AKA Opportunity… wink wink…) was “The Tower” and the “Unknown Energetic Influence” was “Judgement” while the “Known” was “Emperor” so wow! LOTS OF HEAVY, TRANSFORMATION stuff… ya know… and THEN, today! I heard this Timothy Leary quote which was,

“We die so hard each time.”

I don’t really know the context in which he was saying that, but more so than a reference to reincarnation or our personal karma, I perceive it as “each time the ego has to let go of who or what it thinks it is or perceives itself to be.”

SO much of this month has caused me to think about the stories i tell myself about WHO I AM… like, “I am disabled. I have mental health illness. I am spiritual. I am a wife. I am vegan. I am a friend. I am a daughter. I am a granddaughter. I am someone who likes romantic comedies. I am unmotivated… and now I am motivated… ad infinitum…” and lots of the things i think about “who i am” are not particularly kind to myself and sometimes neglects the positives of “who i am” and most importantly of all: Does not, in any capacity, encompass the TOTALITY of “who I am”… ya know? My BE-ing-ness…

Earlier this month i was really working on changing my inner dialogue and the stories I’ve “committed to” about myself to more uplifting thoughts. Some of them looking like: “ I am a gracious receiver. I am a healer. I am a nurturer. I am healthy. I make good choices. I am loving. I am devoted. I am a caretaker. I am an aura soma practitioner…. I am a writer…” BUT! today I am also thinking:

“Why do I even need THESE labels?”

At one point wasn’t my “goal” to just reach “I AM”?? And when did that get lost? Where along the way did I lose sight of that? And aren’t my feelings of losing that sight still based in ego and some sort of 3D timeline that I am obsessed with?? That in some moment in time I might attain enlightenment and then what? I am ‘good’? I can live outside of time? And then what: then and ONLY THEN I can share and teach??

Yeah, my ego has Lots. Of. Ideas… and I am more often turned on than tuned in… but what if I just let it ALL GO? What if i let go of all my predisposed ideas of what my life “should” look like? What if each new day I just woke up and with curiosity and wonder asked,

“What am I going to learn about my truest nature today? What does this universe have to show me about my divinity and my personality that I haven’t even CONSIDERED Yet? What if I just let myself be in awe and wonder of the Unfolding of Self, without past attachment to ‘Well when I was 4 years old X ,Y and Z happened and caused these subconscious beliefs and my soul fragmented here and then I reintegrated when I was 32 by using this technique…?’ What would it mean to TEAR IT ALL DOWN and just start fresh?”

Is that even possible?? I believe in my heart of hearts that any thing I can conceive is possible… AND I really don’t see any better time for it than NOW. So each day I am waking up with new Possibilities and things feel really fresh! When I catch old thinking patterns, I am being extra cognizant of the emotion and vibrational frequency behind the pattern, and rather than going down the all consuming rabbit hole of “why” and “how to heal” (which have been beneficial, no doubt about it!), I have been more concerned with “how do I LEGITIMATELY move to a new brain wave or emotional frequency?”

Once again, I am finding prayer to be the ultimate answer… as soon as I dive deep into prayer -or one could call it a mantra- for myself, for others, for the planet… it’s like I move into the Ananda kanda space of bliss and everything shifts… then I get excited and move back into my ego space, LOL, but HEY it is JUST PRACTICE!

So maybe it is enough to be GRATEFUL to die so hard each time… and maybe with each death, it just gets a little bit easier… and the more I let go of what ‘was” the more I can BECOME.

Thank you for reading and for sharing space with me here! Infinite blessings to you and your loved ones!

Yours in Oneness🧡Freedom

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