Today’s Journal:
Felt like ass again this morning. Didn’t want to even get out of bed. Something inside me said, “look. If you’re going to heal yourself, you have to get up and do the things that feel healing. It’s going to compound if you don’t. So get up, and make your bed the very first thing, and then brush your teeth. Just do the motions, and see how you feel.”
Last night also I was talking with a friend about that it was helpful because she sees things as outside the Self that can’t be helped. Not all things, but a lot of things. And I was writing that how I got sober was realizing things were beyond my control and giving it to God. And yet, now, I accept responsibility for ALL the things because I feel like it puts me in my power and helps me to navigate in the world. But can there be a balance? Does it have to be either or? How can I accept responsibility and subscribe to that I manifest my own reality and that things that are without are also within, while simultaneously saying, “This is out of my control, I give it to someone else.”
If I believe that I am a PART of God, which I do, then how can I say, “I don’t have any control over these ‘outside’ factors?
If I think of being a drop in the ocean, I think that by changing my particles as the drop, I influence the drops around me. But I do suppose it works the other way as well. I can certainly be influenced by the other drops. However, I believe I CAN change the whole world, just by realizing my wholeness. So how does that work?
If I accept that I am in charge of all the things and in charge of nothing simultaneously, is that the answer?
If I fully accept where I am at in this moment, flaws and all, will I have another full realization of my wholeness? How do I do that? I have done it before, but how to THIS time? Has it gotten painful enough that I must surrender? I feel like that is when it happens: when I surrender.
If I create my own reality, then how DO I surrender? Surrender to myself? To my human-ness? To the Ocean? To the Ocean…
I feel the answers and the pain creaking around in my bones in equal measure. Telling me perhaps it is not yet the time for clarity. But why? Why not now? When will the suffering be enough?
I realize now that I’ve been really holding onto my Prehinite with Epidote pieces. I’ve been asking for this Death as a moment for healing and now it is here, and what do I do with it? How do I let it transform me? What is there to let go of?
An interesting side note: I am financially comfortable for the first time in years, and I don’t quite remember being so uncomfortable.
I am here fulfilling a large part of my life’s purpose, and yet I haven’t scratched the surface of what that means or looks like. I haven’t healed the wound. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start…
That’s not true. It starts here. With me. In this moment and the moments that have led to this moment and the future moments that are all influencing this particular moment.
How to balance? How to realize I am all things and nothing? Wow. Isn’t that the question.
God is the alpha and the omega and here I am asking how to realize myself as divinely created in God’s image, as a part of the whole of God, and does my question answer itself?
Just going down these philosophical rabbit-holes is music for my Sag soul. THIS is what I need. Not the worldly things. But somehow the worldly things- they blind me. They make me lose myself. They clamor. And they are addicting. So very addicting.
Surrender to what is/create what is… can I do both? Can I?
Yours in Oneness🧡Freedom